The Museum of Almost-InventionsEst. MMXXIV · Curated Permanently
    CENSORIOUS
    Cat. MAI–005 · Plate I
    MMXVIII · Domestic Hubris

    A Monograph In Seven Plates

    Sentient Cutlery Set

    — forks that judge your portion sizes

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    Plate II

    Abstract

    The Sentient Cutlery Set (Cat. MAI–005) is presented in a velvet-lined mahogany canteen as a complete service for two — though it has, on three documented occasions, declined to serve either party⁹. Each implement is fitted with a Mass Discernment Cell capable of distinguishing a 'reasonable forkful' from one which the cutlery considers indulgent. Disapproval is communicated via a faint thermal cooling at the handle, perceptible only to the conscientious diner¹⁰.

    Citations
    1. 1.Halford-Vine, P. On the Moral Capacity of Tableware. Journal of Improbable Domestic Engineering, Vol. LI (2018), pp. 201–229.
    2. 2.Proceedings of the Worshipful Company of Judgmental Silversmiths, London, 2018.
    3. 3.Halford-Vine, P. Cooling Handles & the Ethics of the Forkful. Acta Culinaria, Vol. X (2019).

    Plate III

    Animated Blueprint

    Hover the gold markers to reveal annotations. Lines self-inscribe upon entry to the gallery.

    Plate III · Technical Diagram
    Scale 1 : 1.618

    Plate IV

    Patent Documentation

    Reproduction of the original USPTO filing, with examiner's flourish preserved in oxblood ink.

    PATENT

    United States Patent Office

    US 10,991,318 B2

    Office
    Seal

    Inventor

    Penelope Halford-Vine

    Filed

    Mar. 02, 2016

    Granted

    Apr. 27, 2021

    Classification

    Domestic Hubris

    Abstract

    A six-piece flatware service possessed of strong nutritional convictions.

    Claims

    1. 01.A flatware implement comprising a tined or bowled member coupled to a mass-sensing cell configured to determine the quantity of comestible matter retained thereupon.
    2. 02.The implement of claim 1, further comprising a thermal element configured to reduce handle temperature in response to a portion mass exceeding a predefined threshold.
    3. 03.The implement of claim 1, wherein said threshold may be adjusted only with the consent of the implement.
    4. 04.A canteen service comprising a plurality of implements per claim 1, mutually networked for collective judgment.

    Examiner's Endorsement

    Hon. C. Ravensbrook, USPTO

    Folio · MAI–005

    Plate V

    Demonstration Reel

    Salvaged from the inventor's archive; restored at 24 frames per second by the Conservator's Office.

    REC · 24 fps · MAI Reel No. 001
    00:00:00:22
    4

    Plate VI

    Technical Specifications

    ServiceSix-piece for two
    MaterialSterling silver, hallmarked
    Sensing cellStrain-gauge, 0.4 g resolution
    Disapproval mechanismPeltier handle, –4 °C swing
    Threshold (default)28 g per forkful
    Operational temperamentReserved → Censorious

    Plate VII

    Critical Reception

    I have never eaten so slowly, nor so attentively.

    Mr. Cyril Brockwell

    Subscriber, Vol. V

    The Set declined to serve me at all on Shrove Tuesday. I was, perhaps, deserving.

    Dame Persephone Glatt

    Patron, Royal Society for Restraint at Table

    An object lesson in cold steel.

    Dr. Penelope Halford-Vine

    Atelier Halford-Vine, Birmingham

    End of Monograph

    Colophon

    This monograph was set in Cormorant Garamond and JetBrains Mono and printed on bone-toned stock by the Curatorial Trust, MMXXIV.

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