The Museum of Almost-InventionsEst. MMXXIV · Curated Permanently
    soonUNHURRIED · MMXXIII
    Cat. MAI–006 · Plate I
    MMXXIII · Sensory Misfires

    A Monograph In Seven Plates

    The Procrastinating Alarm Clock

    — rings 'soon'

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    Plate II

    Abstract

    The Procrastinating Alarm Clock (Cat. MAI–006) was developed in response to the rigid temporal expectations imposed upon the modern sleeper¹¹. Where a conventional alarm clock indicates a precise instant of awakening, this device offers, instead, a thoughtful suggestion. Settings include 'shortly,' 'in a moment,' and the popular 'imminently, broadly conceived.' Internal benchmarking indicates a mean activation drift of 47 minutes from nominal¹².

    Citations
    1. 1.Larch, T. On the Tyranny of the Hour. Annals of Reluctant Mechanics, Vol. XII (2022), pp. 60–94.
    2. 2.Internal drift studies, Larch & Co. Horological Works, Geneva.
    3. 3.Bergson, H. Durée et Simultanéité, as imperfectly understood by the device's escapement.

    Plate III

    Animated Blueprint

    Hover the gold markers to reveal annotations. Lines self-inscribe upon entry to the gallery.

    Plate III · Technical Diagram
    Scale 1 : 1.618

    Plate IV

    Patent Documentation

    Reproduction of the original USPTO filing, with examiner's flourish preserved in oxblood ink.

    PATENT

    United States Patent Office

    US 12,041,887 B1

    Office
    Seal

    Inventor

    Thaddeus Larch

    Filed

    Oct. 18, 2021

    Granted

    Aug. 06, 2024

    Classification

    Sensory Misfires

    Abstract

    A timepiece with an evolving and largely vague sense of urgency.

    Claims

    1. 01.A horological alarm apparatus configured to emit an annunciatory tone at a time approximately, but not precisely, corresponding to a user-specified target.
    2. 02.The apparatus of claim 1, wherein the deviation between target and actual ring time is determined by the apparatus and not disclosed to the user.
    3. 03.The apparatus of claim 1, providing alarm modes selected from the group consisting of 'shortly,' 'in a moment,' and 'imminently, broadly conceived.'
    4. 04.The apparatus of claim 1, wherein no snooze function is required, the apparatus being natively unhurried.

    Examiner's Endorsement

    Hon. C. Ravensbrook, USPTO

    Folio · MAI–006

    Plate V

    Demonstration Reel

    Salvaged from the inventor's archive; restored at 24 frames per second by the Conservator's Office.

    REC · 24 fps · MAI Reel No. 001
    00:00:00:19
    4

    Plate VI

    Technical Specifications

    MovementMechanical, 17 jewels, hesitant
    Mean activation drift+47 min (σ = 11 min)
    Alarm modesShortly · In a moment · Imminently
    Snooze functionNot required
    ToneSingle bronze chime, apologetic decay
    Operational temperamentUnhurried → Considered

    Plate VII

    Critical Reception

    I have never been late, only generously rescheduled.

    Mr. Inigo Holland

    Subscriber, Vol. XII

    A horological landmark. The first clock to admit that 7 a.m. is, fundamentally, optional.

    Prof. Adrienne Macready

    Chair of Temporal Studies, Trinity Coll. Dublin

    I set it for Tuesday. It rang on Thursday. I forgave it.

    Anonymous Sleeper

    Subscriber, Vol. IX

    End of Monograph

    Colophon

    This monograph was set in Cormorant Garamond and JetBrains Mono and printed on bone-toned stock by the Curatorial Trust, MMXXIV.

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