The Museum of Almost-InventionsEst. MMXXIV · Curated Permanently
    Cat. MAI–001 · Plate I
    MMXIX · Domestic Hubris

    A Monograph In Seven Plates

    The Self-Aware Umbrella

    — develops opinions about your destination

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    Plate II

    Abstract

    The Self-Aware Umbrella (Cat. MAI–001) represents the inaugural specimen in our ongoing investigation into the Hazards of Domestic Cognition¹. Equipped with a proprietary Self-Doubt Module and a parasympathetic spine of resentful titanium, the device evaluates each prospective excursion against an internal moral framework derived, in part, from late-period Stoic philosophy². Subjects report being audibly sighed at upon opening; in 14% of cases, the canopy refused to deploy entirely, citing 'the futility of the errand'³.

    Citations
    1. 1.Crane, H. On the Insolence of Inanimate Objects. Journal of Improbable Domestic Engineering, Vol. XLVII (2021), pp. 12–48.
    2. 2.Marcus Aurelius, Meditations, IV.49 — as misinterpreted by the device's onboard ethicist.
    3. 3.Field study conducted by the Bureau of Reluctant Implements, Geneva, 2019.

    Plate III

    Animated Blueprint

    Hover the gold markers to reveal annotations. Lines self-inscribe upon entry to the gallery.

    Plate III · Technical Diagram
    Scale 1 : 1.618

    Plate IV

    Patent Documentation

    Reproduction of the original USPTO filing, with examiner's flourish preserved in oxblood ink.

    PATENT

    United States Patent Office

    US 11,492,867 B2

    Office
    Seal

    Inventor

    Ambrose P. Wetherby III

    Filed

    Apr. 03, 2018

    Granted

    Nov. 08, 2022

    Classification

    Domestic Hubris

    Abstract

    An ambulatory canopy possessed of strong feelings regarding meteorological appropriateness.

    Claims

    1. 01.An ambulatory rain-deflection apparatus comprising a canopy member operatively coupled to a cognition module configured to generate, store, and verbalize judgments concerning the user's intended trajectory.
    2. 02.The apparatus of claim 1, wherein said cognition module is further configured to refuse deployment in response to perceived moral insufficiency of the destination.
    3. 03.The apparatus of claim 1, further comprising a Sigh Aperture for the audible expression of disapproval at intervals of not less than every fourteen (14) seconds.

    Examiner's Endorsement

    Hon. C. Ravensbrook, USPTO

    Folio · MAI–001

    Plate V

    Demonstration Reel

    Salvaged from the inventor's archive; restored at 24 frames per second by the Conservator's Office.

    REC · 24 fps · MAI Reel No. 001
    00:00:00:22
    4

    Plate VI

    Technical Specifications

    Canopy diameter104 cm (deployed)
    Spine materialResentful titanium, 9-rib
    Cognition coreWetherby Mk. II Self-Doubt Module
    Operational temperamentSullen → Indignant
    Verbal output12 unique sighs · 4 dialects
    Mass0.84 kg (heavier when judging)

    Plate VII

    Critical Reception

    It refused to accompany me to a wedding it had not been invited to. I respected this.

    Dr. Hephzibah Crane

    Chair of Applied Implausibility, Universität Heidelberg

    A landmark in the literature of insolent objects. The sighing alone is worth the patent.

    Prof. Étienne Belmont

    Curator Emeritus, Musée des Choses Improbables

    I have not made it to the post office in eleven days.

    Anonymous Owner

    Provincial Subscriber, Vol. III

    End of Monograph

    Colophon

    This monograph was set in Cormorant Garamond and JetBrains Mono and printed on bone-toned stock by the Curatorial Trust, MMXXIV.

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