A Monograph In Seven Plates
Existential Bathroom Scale
— returns weight in philosophical units
Plate II
Abstract
The Existential Bathroom Scale (Cat. MAI–007) reframes the morning weighing as an act of reflection rather than measurement¹³. Standard mass is recorded but withheld; in its place the device returns the user's burden in units of regret (kgr), unrealised potential (μp), and, in calibrated households, ennui (E). A small placard above the dial reads, in cut serif, *Pondus est quod fers* — 'weight is what you bear.'
- 1.Sorensen, K. On the Insufficiency of the Kilogram. Acta Philosophica Domestica, Vol. IV (2020), pp. 7–41.
- 2.Heidegger, M. Sein und Zeit, as paraphrased on the user manual, p. 3.
- 3.Sorensen, K. A Calibration Manual for the Burdened Soul. Aalborg, 2021.
Plate III
Animated Blueprint
Hover the gold markers to reveal annotations. Lines self-inscribe upon entry to the gallery.
Plate IV
Patent Documentation
Reproduction of the original USPTO filing, with examiner's flourish preserved in oxblood ink.
United States Patent Office
US 11,556,402 B2
Seal
Inventor
Karen Sorensen
Filed
Jul. 09, 2018
Granted
Jan. 17, 2023
Classification
Sensory Misfires
Abstract
Reports mass in terms of meaning, regret, and unrealised potential.
Claims
- 01.A weighing apparatus configured to determine the gravitational mass of a user and to suppress its display in favour of one or more derived philosophical metrics.
- 02.The apparatus of claim 1, wherein said metrics are selected from the group consisting of regret, unrealised potential, and ennui.
- 03.The apparatus of claim 1, further comprising an inscribed plinth bearing a motto in Latin not exceeding seven (7) words.
- 04.The apparatus of claim 1, wherein no method exists for the user to recover the suppressed mass value.
Examiner's Endorsement
Hon. C. Ravensbrook, USPTO
Folio · MAI–007
Plate V
Demonstration Reel
Salvaged from the inventor's archive; restored at 24 frames per second by the Conservator's Office.
Plate VI
Technical Specifications
Plate VII
Critical Reception
I weigh, on Tuesdays, 14 kgr of regret and considerable μp. I find this clarifying.
Dr. Søren Lindqvist
Reader in Applied Mortality, Aalborg
The first scale that has not lied to me, exactly.
Ms. Beatrix Hollom
Subscriber, Vol. VI
I have abandoned the kilogram. I do not miss it.
Karen Sorensen
Inventor; Atelier Pondus, Copenhagen
Colophon
This monograph was set in Cormorant Garamond and JetBrains Mono and printed on bone-toned stock by the Curatorial Trust, MMXXIV.